The Bachelorette: Episode 1 - Never Touch Another Man's Belly Button

May 25, 2016 by Fantasy 4 Reality



Welcome to our first edition of this season’s The Bachelorette Quick Hits.

Most Pathetic Limo Entrances

A quick caveat: All things considered this was a pretty normal, if not boring, group of guys who didn’t embarrass themselves as badly as past seasons. If anything this group’s performance during the cocktail party was more pathetic than their introductions. We had three men get obliterated, one strip down and jump in the pool, and almost every guy appear so visibly intimidated by Jo Jo’s beauty that all they did was tell her they were nervous and shower her with compliments, a surefire way to impress a woman. In fact, the only guy who has ever turned awkward nervousness into a plus is Hugh Grant. That being said, here were some pretty cringe-worthy entrances:

10. Alex’s exit stage left mid-conversation

9. Nick S.’s James Brown impression.

8. Daniel’s inside joke with himself

7. Jonathan’s William Wallace impression followed by his brutal “not wearing any panties” joke

6. Peter's Wizard of Oz - Tin Man moment

5. Chase’s Ron Burgandy impression

4. Vinny’s toast pun and gift

3.Will’s card drop and Dumb and Dumber

2. Nick’s creepy Santa impression, which could have been salvaged had he taken a cure from Louis Winthorp III and pulled out a flask and a raw piece of salmon mid-cocktail party

1. Sal’s blue balls pun and gift

Best Limo Entrances

3. Jordan’s straightforward and effective story about his parents’ short courtship and long marriage

2. Wells’s hiring of All for One to serenade Jo Jo

1. Robby’s wine bottle gimmick and joke about her family drinking from the bottle

Limo Entrances that Should Have Been Terrible, But Somehow Worked

3. James Taylor’s serenade. This may have been hokey, but if your name is James Taylor and you break out a guitar and do the singer/songwriter thing, you get a pass

2. Christian’s Maverick impression. Not exiting from a limo is always risky, but with the right woman, a motorcycle can be gold

1. Luke’s unicorn ride. Like Christian, Luke’s decision to opt out of the limo comes with risks, but demonstrating an ability to ride and love of horses to a Texan along with calling back to Jo Jo’s own use of a unicorn mask was a solid idea.

Worst Puns/Rhymes

5. Former quarterback Jordan hoping to be Jo Jo’s number one draft pick and firefighter Grant hoping to light her fire

4. Evan has a mojo for Jo Jo

3. Real estate consultant Coley wanting to take Jo Jo off the market

2. Vinny’s toast and Sal’s blue balls

1. Nick as Santa laughing “Jo Jo Jo” throughout the night. Although, to be honest, this cracked me up every time

Best Line of Night

Evan: “There is no reason in life to push another man’s belly button.” Truer words have never been spoken. In fact, Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert, let Daniel get off easy for such an assault (Now who’s making puns!).

Most Refreshing Moment of the Night

Ali playing Beethoven for Jo Jo and someone identifying the piece as Beethoven!

Jo Jo's Grade

B- – She kept all of the men she connected with and sent home many of the men who made the cheesiest entrances (Sal, Peter, Jonathan, and Nick S.). But she kept two of the drunk men, including Daniel. There has never been clearer evidence that the star is not in complete control of the rose ceremony decisions than tonight, since she didn’t connect with Daniel or Vinny in any way and she seemed quite annoyed at their behavior during the night. But it was the right call by whoever makes these decisions because Daniel added some sorely needed entertainment to the proceedings.

Best Fantasy Performances

Jordan pretty much dominated, amassing 150 points by securing the first impression rose, kissing Jo Jo, and dancing with her.

Will somehow earned 90 points by demonstrating the childish talent of running her fortune and stealing the worst first kiss in history.

Vinny earned 80 points for giving Jo Jo a piece of toast and getting drunk and acting like an idiot. Daniel earned a cool 70 points for his drunken antics.

Good luck next week when the first alone dates take place and Chad continues on his path to villaindom.