The Bachelorette: Episodes 4 and 5 - Villains Gotta Villain

June 11, 2015 by Fantasy 4 Reality

Welcome to weeks 4 and 5 of The BacheloretteQuick Hits.

Sorry for the delay. The last two weeks have given us a lot to digest. To make sense of it all, we’ve broken it down into the following four main events.

1. Tony’s Aggressive Pacifism Leads to His Downfall

Spiritual, contemplative, philosophical Tony hulks out on Kaitlyn after she asks him to don a mawashi and sumo wrestle with the “heaviest Japanese human being ever.” 1 While Tony and his Super Macho Man pec flex took things a bit too far, he was dead on with his complaint that Kaitlyn’s dates are hyper-violent and competitive. Asking the men to beat the shit out of each other so she can find her alpha male once is one thing, but two weeks in a row? Tony’s brand of crazy will be missed, but we’re guessing he’ll make a great Bachelor Pad contestant.

2. Clint and JJ’s Bromance

Much has been said about Clint and JJ’s relationship. Our take is that neither was particularly into Kailtyn, they got along well, and figured out how to increase their camera time. But, even if they fell for each other, the highlight of their bromance came this week when Kaitlyn called Clint out. Rather than defend his bro, JJ sold him straight down the river. He immediately tried to apologize in private, and Clint went crazy on him. The part that bothered Clint most was that he had shared information with JJ that he hasn’t told anyone. Clint leaves and JJ ends up in tears. Tanner summed it up best, “JJ quit Clint and Clint did not like [it].”

3. Nick’s Return

A few thoughts on Nick’s unfortunate return. First, we forgot how much we despise this condescending, egotistical, player/fame whore. Why couldn’t he be there for the boxing match so Ben Z. could have knocked the smug grin off his face? Second, no segment in Bachelor history felt more orchestrated than Nick’s return and that is saying something. Somehow Nick shows up during week 5 in a club with Ashley I., Harrison is completely absent from the entire dynamic when usually he shows up to weigh in on the “rules,” Kailtyn gets her hair done so she can ask Ashley S. for advice, and she has multiple secret rendezvouses and text exchanges with Nick before deciding she HAS to listen to her heart and let him join the house. He could have easily shown up in week 1 as a member of the cast, but that would have been far less dramatic. Third, we sympathize with the men who don’t want Nick around, but not because Kaitlyn told them that she believed her husband was already there. After all, if your relationship is going to work, you have to be Kaitlyn’s choice over all the men in the world, not just the other men on the show. Rather our specific problem with Kaitlyn’s decision is Nick himself. As Tanner points out, he slut shamed Andi on national TV. He’s an unlikable narcissist. We suppose he makes for good television, but we’d rather just forget we ever knew him, unless someone is going to punch his lights out. Plus, the fact that she has been texting and flirting with him for months is not exactly fair. At least, Andi had the good sense to send Chris Bukowski home when he tried the same thing.

4. Kaitlyn’s Record Decline

As you know, we were staunch Kaitlyn supporters. We openly campaigned for her selection as the Bachelorette over Britt. In all fairness, she is still better than Britt. But we would have much preferred Jade and Carly (both of whom will be returning to our lives soon) to Kaitlyn, and now we remember why. It appears that next week Ian confronts Kaitlyn with the very criticism we are levying here, but she seems totally consumed with superficiality and drama and not at all interested in actual relationships. While Kupah and Clint inarguably deserved to be sent home, Kaitlyn gets a little too excited to confront them. She agrees to bring Nick on the show, knowing full well that he’s (a) a dick and (b) it will upset the others. Finally, her choice in date activities is horrible. Not Chris Soules horrible (Arlington, IA anyone?), but horrible nonetheless. We are still waiting to root for the star from the first episode to the last.

The Season Date Ranking

Speaking of terrible date activities, we have decided to keep a running ranking of the season’s dates. Again the following are ranked according to which dates we would have most wanted to participate in.

  1. The private evening and dinner at the Met and helicopter tour of liberty island
  2. The underwater photo session/makeout
  3. Performing in Aladdin
  4. No Date/Week spent with the other guys in the mansion
  5. Whatever Brady and Britt are doing together
  6. The Sex-Ed class
  7. The Haunted House
  8. The Boxing Match
  9. Sumo Wrestling
  10. Stand Up Comedy
  11. The Rap Battle

Kaitlyn's Week 3 Grade

A – She sent home Kupah, Cory, and Daniel. Kupah disrespected her on numerous occasions and the other two left no impression.

Kaitlyn's Week 4 Grade

A – She sent home Clint and cancelled the rose ceremony. At a minimum, Clint was not there for the right reasons.

Kaitlyn's Week 5 Grade

F - Even without a rose ceremony, Kailtyn added Nick to the mix.

Men Battling for the Chris N. Award for Least Known Contestant to Stick Around

Corey, Joe, Ryan. They have spoken at times but other than Joe saying “Well, I’ll be” these three have not really spoken to Kaitlyn.

Best Fantasy Performances

Ben Z. did well in week 4 by overcoming his Indiana Jones-inspired fear of snakes in the haunted house, multiple make-out sessions, and hot tub session, but Tony won the week by quitting.

Week 5 went to Chris and Jared. Chris scored points for singing a “Whole New World.” Jared tallied up points for making out, reading a poem, and riding in a helicopter.

See you next week when Nick pisses everyone off and Kailtyn chooses to go on a date in a coal mine.