The Bachelorette: Episode 3 - Here's Hoping a Sense of Humor is Not Important to Kaitlyn

May 23, 2015 by Fantasy 4 Reality

Welcome to week 2 of The Bachelorette Quick Hits.

Favorite Dates of the Night

The following are ranked according to which dates we would have most wanted to participate in.

1. The alone date underwater photo shoot followed by pool make-out session. Clint was the night’s big winner. Not only did the destitute man’s Chris Hemsworth score the first one-on-one of the season, but he found himself in a pool taking photos with a scantily clad Kaitlyn and then enjoying some below and above the surface kissing. Kaitlyn referred to the whole event as the “best first date of her life.” High praise, until it is quickly eclipsed by her next first date.

2. Cory, Ryan B., and Shawn B.’s week in the Bachelor mansion. While you might think being entirely excluded from a date with Kaitlyn would be the worst case scenario in week 1, in reality it is much better than going on either of the group dates Kaitlyn had planned. These three lucky gentlemen managed to hang out with each other by the pool, eat and wait for the cocktail party, while the other men were subjected to punching each other in the face or following Amy Schumer at an LA comedy club.

3. Brady’s week long one-on-one with Britt. As we recounted last week, Brady intelligently pursued the woman he came here to date without having to compete with 24 other men to do it. The timing could not have been more perfect. Literally seconds after a devastated Britt hung up with her mom, she heard a convenient knock at her hotel room door. Apparently, she and Brady proceeded to spend the entire week together and he asked her to “be his girl.” She agreed and they grabbed some malts at the local ice cream parlor before hitting a drive-in movie. 1

4. The group boxing tournament. As The Bachelorette has been known to do from time to time, Kaitlyn invited the men to pummel each other for her pleasure. 2 We’re never sure what the best strategy for the men is here. Is it better to shoot for Kaitlyn’s sympathy by getting your ass kicked or to go for alpha male gladiator status by beating down the weaker men? 3

It appears that both strategies worked well. Jared tried to achieve alpha dog status by going “Red Ross” and beating down his first two opponents. However, a 50-pound weight disadvantage proved too much for him and Ben Z. pummeled him. On the other end of the spectrum, Ben Z., the biggest and most athletic man on the date, destroyed all competition, so as not to let his football buddies down. Jared’s hospitalization resulted in a make-out session on the street, while Ben Z.’s barbaric nature scored him an upper thigh rub and couch hook-up. The big loser on this date was Daniel who was beaten down in the ring and deserted by Kaitlyn during their alone time so she could comfort Jared. Still, I’d choose getting punched in the face and humiliated any day of the week and twice on Sunday over bombing during a stand-up comedy performance.

5. Stand-up comedy without the comedy. The final date of the week forced a group of serious men to be funny on demand. Not even the fabulous Amy Schumer and her professional friends could help this group. Everyone bombs with the possible exception of Chris “Cupcake.” The highlight of the date is Amy Schumer annihilating JJ. Someone could have attempted to just pull out a mallet and crush a watermelon on the audience. That’s been known to work when you have nothing funny to say. In a weird way, we admire Tony for not even trying to be funny and just going Joel Osteen on everyone.

Most Insane Lines of the Night

Joe (after kissing Kaitlyn): Well, I’ll be.

Brady (after a week with Britt): Will, you be my girl?

Tony (after learning about the first group date): Love is selfless. Love is given. Love is not something you fight for. Love is being present. Love is connection. Love is discussion. Love is possibilities and ideas, and dreams.

JJ (after entrenching himself as the villain): Now I can hit the bar early.

Kupah (repeatedly): I didn’t expect that.

Kupah (after being told to leave): I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot.

Best Fantasy Performances

Ben Z. earned 130 points for physically fighting other men, kissing Kaitlyn, and scoring the group date rose. Jared earned 100 points for physically fighting other men, receiving medical treatment, and kissing Kaitlyn.

Good luck next week when the budding scandal with Kupah concludes. We might even be treated to a rose ceremony.