The Bachelorette: Episode 1 - Total Chaos
May 19, 2015 by Fantasy 4 Reality
Welcome to our debut of The Bachelorette Quick Hits.
Before we get into it, we have to address our initial thoughts on the format. According to Harrison, “change is never easy.” Maybe so, but we have some real problems with last night’s episode. First, there is the obvious political and philosophical issues with flipping the power structure of on a show designed to give women the ability to control their own destiny. Harrison justified the decision to select two Bachelorettes by claiming that American men were so split on Britt and Kailtyn that the producers thought it was unfair to make the decision for them. That makes sense. Fairness to American men should always be our top concern. Second, we don’t think the gimmick worked in practice. Sure it created some tremendous awkwardness and drama, kept everyone on their toes, made the women practically beg the men to stay, and kept each of their insecurities on the forefront. But, as a viewer it became too difficult to keep track of who was who, as they show bobbed and weaved between the two women. The show was packed with quick montages of men debating the virtues of the two women. Rather than getting to know the men, we spent too much time trying to keep track of which men liked which Bachelorette. 1 Finally, we resent the fact that they’ve reduced this grudge match to the age-old choice between beauty and personality. All of the men on Team Britt discuss how gorgeous she is, while Team Kaitlyn refers to her as funny, charming, and “more real.” This characterization is totally unfair. It’s more like beauty vs. beauty AND personality.
Most Pathetic Limo Entrances
1. Chris’s Candy Land mobile. There is a reason everyone hates dentists.
2. Shawn E.’s “carpool.” To quote the now legendary dirtbag Ryan M., “You suck, dude.”
3. Bradley’s John McEnroe impression. He CANNOT be serious.
4. Justin’s Up impression. Why didn’t he make her a balloon animal?
5. Jared’s “Love Man” T-Shirt. Even the Hulk would be more attractive to women than this guy.
6. Tony’s over-the-top spiritual speech about looking for love. He gets partial credit for earnestly delivering this speech to both women within earshot of each other.
Best Limo Entrances
1. Ryan B. calling Britt his “Disney Princess.” That basically sums up Britt. Pretty, emotional, and waiting to be rescued.
2. Ian whispering to Kaitlyn that he is hoping she is the Bachelorette and that he is “going to make sure it is.” Badass, especially when Kaitlyn’s confidence was at an all-time low.
3 -4 . JJ’s offer to “puck” Kaitlyn (and Britt) and Corey’s offer to plow Kaitlyn’s field. Great plays off of Kaitlyn’s intro joke to Chris.
5. Josh’s Magic Mike impression. Classic. Good to see he is taking the bar exam seriously.
6. Tanner’s Kleenex gift to Britt. Tremendous.
Sketchiest Limo Entrance
Joe’s Moonshine gift to Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn, let’s just get this straight. A stranger gets out of a car and gives you a mysterious clear liquid with three x’s written in marker on the front and you just drink it down? Good thing Joe wasn’t Bill Cosby.
Stupidest Limo Entrances
The following men went all-in on one Bachelorette with no hope of winning if their chosen woman loses:
1. Jonathan B lining for Britt, long-hugging her and chatting it up before briefly acknowledging Kaitlyn and entering the house.
2. Cory B lining for Britt and audibly talking about her gorgeous eyes.
3. Brady completely ignoring Kaitlyn and loudly complimenting Britt’s appearance.
4. Shawn B. proclaiming in front of Britt that he is there for Kaitlyn.
Best Lines of the Night
1. Harrison: "The men will have a little power tonight."
2. Kaitlyn on Josh following his striptease: “He’s all yours.”
3. Kaitlyn on Tanner’s gift: “Was that Kleenex or soap?”
4. Kupah: “Britt is more of a trophy wife and Kaitlyn is more of a wife.”
5. Kupah in response to whether he wants a trophy wife: “Yes.”
6. Tony: Touch is very important to me. The energy from Britt’s box is pulsating.”
7. Britt asking Brady: “Is faith important to you?”
We think it just needs to be acknowledged that the producers should have chucked Ryan M. the second he slapped Kaitlyn’s ass. It’s hard to tell how much time lapsed in real life, but it appears that they let him stick around a good while longer, until he stripped down, acted like a bigger idiot and got into numerous confrontations. Unacceptable decision.
Best Fantasy Performances
Ryan M. dominated the evening, scoring 40 points for getting drunk and acting like an idiot and 100 points for getting thrown off the show by the producers.
Jonathan also scored big, earning 50 points for telling Britt about his son.
Good luck tonight when we discover who will be the Bachelorette and presumably have a rose ceremony of some kind.