The Bachelor: Women Tell All - A Stunning Role Reversal

March 3, 2015 by Fantasy 4 Reality

Welcome to the most exciting and dramatic edition of The Bachelor Quick Hits for the most exciting and dramatic Women’s Tell All of the most exciting and dramatic season in history. This week we hand out awards for the biggest winners and losers of the episode. Winners are those individuals who enhanced their pre-Tell All reputations, while the losers are the women who came out looking worse.

Winners

  1. Kaitlyn. She had one goal coming into the episode: secure her spot as the Bachelorette. Mission accomplished. She maintained her status as one of the funniest and wittiest contestants to ever appear on the show, while coming across as likable and sympathetic. Her best moment may have been asking Chris why he made her suffer through the rose ceremony. He had no answer other than to apologize and say, “It’s my first time as the Bachelor.” And yet Brad Womack made the same mistakes the second time around as he did the first time around, so that excuse doesn’t really hold water.
  2. Ashley S. As brilliant as she comes across, we still genuinely fear that her brilliance is going unappreciated in her time. She might be the savviest media personality and brand creator since J-Law, Anna Kendrick, and Emma Stone. Plus, she kind of looks Kristen Bell.
  3. Britt. Her performance was like something out of Saul Goodman’s bag of tricks. Coming into the episode, she had achieved villain status for being two-faced, fake, and selfish. Her downfall resulted from attacking Chris for not giving her the group date rose. Throughout the season, she rubbed the women the wrong way with her aggressive, self-centered approach to dating Chris. Three separate women (Jade, Ashely I., and Carly) all warned Chris about Britt, but it wasn’t until she lost it on Chris that she went home. Personally, we appreciated Carly’s constant mocking of Britt for bringing some much needed humor to the affair. And, yet, somehow Britt managed to turn herself into a victim and Carly into the villain by sobbing, talking about how much she still loved Chris, and blaming Carly exclusively for her lot in life. The creepiest part occurred when she gave Chris an eternal hug before holding his hands in her lap and suggesting that if it were not for Carly they’d be married. Fortunately, Chris informed her that it was not Carly’s fault. We at F4R did not buy this performance by Britt and are still firmly entrenched on Team Carly, but we are afraid that Britt won over a lot of people.
  4. Harrison. He is a genius. Knowing that he has the perfect platform to reach millions of women and seeing the success of Fifty Shades of Grey, he wrote a “romance novel” called The Perfect Letter and promoted it last night. We are guessing that this is the worst novel ever written and that it will land on the NY Times Bestseller list.
  5. Trina. There is nothing better than when a forgotten woman on the Tell All pipes up and makes a name for herself. This year it was Trina. She took advantage of an opening to attack Kelsey for referring to Sanderson’s passing as a “great story.” Hard not to agree with that. Next year, we are praying that they just slip a random woman from the audience up there, introduce her as if she was on the show, and see if anyone notices.
  6. Juelia and Megan. As the other widow, Juelia scored points by claiming that she would never use her tragic story to argue that she is more entitled to love than someone else. Megan earned a round of applause for pointing out that her widowed mother was offended that Kelsey would capitalize on Sanderson’s death to advance her relationship with Chris.
  7. Samantha. Our Chris N. Award winner, who may or may not be dating Jeremy Piven received some applause when she blamed Kelsey’s fake panic attack for sending her home. If she’s in fact with Ari Gold, she is better off and should be thanking Kelsey.

Neutrals

  1. Jade. She was sympathetic and sweet in our eyes to begin with and remained that way, especially when she explained how crushed she was to read Chris describe watching her Playboy photos as “awkward” and “different from the Jade he knew” in his People blog. Technically, Chris had a decent explanation for this, but we still felt for Jade.
  2. Ashley I. We expected more fireworks from her. She basically kept it together. Kelsey did put her on the spot by claiming to have been particularly hurt by Ashley’s implication that Sanderson did not exist, but Ashley responded deftly to a dangerous line of questioning.

Losers

  1. Carly. A few weeks back, her insecurity and humor had her in the running as a candidate for the Bachelorette. Not only did she definitely lose that spot last night, Britt somehow made her look like the villain. Carly struggled to really defend herself or keep the focus on Britt’s obnoxious behavior. We blame poor preparation, which is basically inexcusable for the biggest moment of your life.
  2. Kelsey. She seemed like she had no where to go but up. Past villains, Michelle Money, Courtney Robertson, and Tierra LiCausi, cried a bunch during the Tell All, asked for forgiveness and came away with some sympathy from America. If Kelsey had been a little less calculating and a lot more sincere and apologetic, she could have joined them. Instead, she took a page from Kelly LeBrock’s book and continued her elitist, condescending behavior, claiming that the women hate her because she’s condescending and uses “big words.” She then proceeded to throw in some “big words” to drive the point home, including “tactical” and “advocate.” In the end, no one felt any more sympathy towards her than before the show. Unfathomably, if anything, the hatred increased.
  3. Jillian. She is mostly remembered for her large biceps and the black box that followed her around all season. Last night she proudly declared her allegiance to team Britt and shouted at Carly. I guess Carly teased Jillian for having a “di—“ or something like that. Regardless of the reason, Jillian did herself no favors here. As a side note, it was odd seeing her without the black box.

Best Fantasy Performance

Carly was the week’s high scorer with 70 points, mostly from crying and engaging in screaming fights.

See you next week for the finale and likely crowning of Whitney as Princess Farming.